February 16, 2025 @ 13:40
This is a letter to my younger self. In my teens through to my early 30s I carried a lot of resentment and anger. These are some things I wish I'd known that would have improved my life and my relationships with other people.
Younger than the age of 25 years old, I would walk around feeling awkward and anxious that people judged me harshly. I thought people judged me for the way that I looked and the way that I was generally.
The realisation came to me one day that I wasn't that different from others.
So, if I wasn't that different, then maybe other people would be feeling awkward and anxious like I was. If they were like me then they were very likely absorbed in worrying about how people judged them. Did I have time to judge others harshly? No, I didn't, because I was too worried about what people thought about me.
The truth is that most people are too absorbed in their own issues and doubt that they have no time to really think about you at all. It's not that you're dull; it's just that you're not as interesting to them as themselves and their problems. If you're worried that people judge you harshly, for no reason, then the truth is you don't have to worry. They're too busy to even think about you.
The second thing I wish I'd known was that I wasn't the protagonist in a movie or a book. It's sometimes the case that our mind interprets everything in relation to ourselves.
If you talk to someone who is having a bad time, then they might make facial expressions that make them seem disinterested in what you're saying. Often, they're just absorbed in some problem they have.
Now, you should definitely read the room; if someone genuinely doesn't want to talk to you, you should get out of that conversation ASAP. But in leaving, don't assume that they don't like you. Next time you meet, it might be different. Give some people room to have a bad day and don't take it personally. We all have bad days and it's just the human condition. It's probably not you that is the problem, either.
Most people trust their thoughts as being a faithful portrayal of reality. But actually, some thoughts are unhelpful, and some thoughts can even be bad for us. That's what I learned from reading the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It's a great book.
There are two parts of your mind: the thinking self and the observing self. The thinking self pumps out thoughts, and some of them are negative. Some of those negative thoughts are not even accurate or relevant. But it was useful throughout history to be critical of ourselves; you did not want to get cast out of the tribe and eaten by a large cat. People have evolved to be social animals and to be critical of themselves.
When you have a thought, you can ask yourself: "is this a useful thought?".
Some negative thoughts are useful. Maybe you shouldn't have used those harsh words with a coworker. Maybe you should not have been passive aggressive with a person in a service role.
Some negative thoughts are very unhelpful. Being worried that people judge you harshly because of your clothes, voice, posture or appearance is not generally useful in a world where getting cast out of the pack doesn't mean you get eaten.
Give The Happiness Trap a read, it's a very useful way to look at our own thoughts.
This is a simple one: I used to be a drinker until my early 30s. I also used to be depressed. I nearly lost my partner because I was depressed.
I went on SSRIs and life got better. I started eating better food, and life got even better. I started running and getting fit, and life got better.
But I still couldn't get off the depression medication. I asked myself what could it have been? I realised, the constant thing in my life since the age of 15 was alcohol (and other substances, at times).
I tried life without alcohol for 6 months, and life got better. I was finally able to stop taking depression medication.
It would be dishonest and simplistic to say that alcohol was the sole reason for my depression; my mental health was the result of a confluence of factors: bad work life, bad diet, no exercise, etc.
But I can say this: the thrill of being inebriated on a regular basis can't compare to the peace and stability that comes with good food, good relationships, exercise and being sober.
This was the reason for the blog post. This is something that I realised last year, and it was recently confirmed in reading a book.
I talked to my partner about my childhood last year and she was at times surprised that I wasn't angrier. I said to her: "my family did the best they could with the resources they had".
My childhood wasn't particularly bad compared to many people's experiences, but it certainly could have been better. But still, the people who were responsible for things that happened to me were just doing their best.
I've since tried to see things in this light, and it has helped me to have a better life.
If someone does something rude or cuts you off in traffic, remember they are just trying to get by. They might be having a bad day. They might have 100 things on their mind.
The benefit of thinking this way is that you won't have to carry the burden of being angry. Being angry can manifest itself in how we act and behave around other people who we care about.
I've been reading a book called The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. One of the many useful insights in that book was that what you think about, and what you choose to visualise, will manifest itself in your body language. This will affect relationships that you care about.
If someone carries out some microaggression towards you, has road rage, or is rude, then it can be helpful to assume they're having a bad day. You could dwell on their behaviour and feel bad because of it or you could also let it go and go about your day. The second option will put you in an easy state of mind and your body language will show you're more relaxed.
Will positive body language help you achieve what you want? It might. Will feeling angry about something help you achieve your goals? Probably not. Personally, I would prefer to achieve my goals rather than dwell on the behaviour of others.
This is a footnote and is related to the above point. It's also in the book The Charisma Myth by Cabane.
The placebo effect is very powerful. It's so powerful that you can trick yourself into thinking that things are true.
The idea is this: a) write a letter to someone who has wronged you, b) write yourself a letter back with whatever you need to hear. Read the response as many times as you need to. You will feel better and have a sense that something was resolved, which can be a great way to move forward in life.
This blog post is effectively a letter to my younger self, since I've sometimes felt bad or stupid about things I have said and done. I was just trying to get by and don't need to feel bad about that.